I Spent 24 Hours on Zoom and Now I Can Only Speak in "Mute"

"Unmute Yourself" is the New "I Love You"

After three years of remote work, I have forgotten how to function in society. Here is a log of my descent into digital madness.

8:59 AM: The Transformation

I roll out of bed. I put on a blazer over my pajama pants. I am business on top, "gave up" on the bottom. this is the mullet of 2025.

11:00 AM: The Freeze Face

My boss asks a tough question. My internet works fine, but I hold my breath and stare blankly at the camera. "Hello? Can you hear me?" I type in the chat. Crisis averted.

2:00 PM: The Wave

Why do we all wave at the end of a Zoom call like we're toddlers saying goodbye to a boat? I don't wave at people leaving a conference room. But here I am, practically jazz-handing at my screen.