The Olympics of Adulting: Events We’d Actually Win

Welcome to the Games No One Trained For

While athletes are breaking world records, I just pulled a muscle putting on a sock. If the Olympics tested real life skills, here is where I'd take Gold.

Event 1: The fitted Sheet Fold

The Goal: Fold a fitted sheet into a neat square. My Technique: Roll it into a ball, shove it in the closet, and hold the door shut with my terrifying strength. Score: 10/10 for survival instincts.

Event 2: The "I'm Almost There" Text Sprint

The Goal: Arrive on time. The Reality: Sending "On my way!" while still wrapped in a towel, staring at the ceiling, contemplating the universe. World Record: 14 minutes late (Personal Best).

Event 3: Aggressive Box Breaking

The Goal: Fit a giant Amazon box into the recycling bin. My Technique: Jumping on it like a crazed kangaroo until it submits. Style Points: High.