The Olympics of Adulting: Events We’d Actually Win

The Olympics of Adulting: Events We’d Actually Win

Updated: Jan 20, 2026 • Reading time: ~6–8 min

While professional athletes are breaking world records, I pulled something putting on a sock—standing up. If the Olympics tested real-life skills, adults everywhere would be walking around with medals…mostly for showing up and not crying in a Target parking lot.

Welcome to the Adulting Olympics: the only games where the warm-up is “deep sigh,” the uniform is “whatever was closest,” and the national anthem is your downstairs neighbor’s vacuum at 7 a.m.

Opening Ceremony: The “I’m Fine” Parade

Athletes march proudly into the stadium. Adults shuffle in holding iced coffee like it’s a life support device. The torch is lit using the last functioning lighter in the kitchen drawer—which is also holding three dead batteries, a mystery key, and a single expired coupon from 2019.

Event 1: The Fitted Sheet Fold (Artistic Gymnastics)

The Goal: Fold a fitted sheet into a neat square like the internet says is possible. My Technique: Make intense eye contact with it, then roll it into a ball and whisper, “We’ll deal with this later.” Score: 10/10 for emotional resilience. 0/10 for geometry.

Judges’ Comment: “A bold interpretation of ‘folding.’ Points awarded for commitment to denial.”

Event 2: The “I’m Almost There” Text Sprint (Track & Field)

The Goal: Arrive on time. The Reality: Sending “On my way!” while still in a towel, staring into the void, negotiating with your soul. Personal Best: 14 minutes late with impressive confidence.

Bonus Round: Saying “Parking is crazy” while you are still at home locating your other shoe.

Event 3: Aggressive Box Breaking (Wrestling)

The Goal: Fit a giant delivery box into the recycling bin. My Technique: Jumping on it like a caffeinated kangaroo until it submits. Style Points: High. Injury Report: Emotional damage when the box fights back and stays…3D.

Event 4: The One Grocery Bag Trip (Weightlifting)

The Goal: Carry every single grocery bag in one trip to prove you are strong and independent. My Technique: Ten bags per hand, one bag on each wrist, and the last bag clenched between my teeth like a survival documentary. Score: Gold medal plus a free shoulder pop.

Commentator: “They could make two trips, but they refuse on principle.”

Event 5: The “Ignore Unknown Number” Marathon (Endurance)

The Goal: Answer calls like a confident adult. My Technique: Watch it ring, let it stop, then Google the number and discover it was either:

• a scam,
• your dentist, or
• a job you applied to in 2021.

Score: 10/10 for safety. 2/10 for life progress.

Event 6: The Fridge Tetris Finals (Strategic Sports)

The Goal: Fit an entire pizza box into the fridge without transferring it into a container like a responsible person. My Technique: Rotate, angle, force, and briefly consider removing an entire shelf. Victory Condition: Closing the fridge door and pretending the leaning box is “stable.”

Replay Review: The pizza box immediately collapses, but the attempt was courageous.

Event 7: The Laundry Mountain Climb (Alpine)

The Goal: Finish laundry fully: wash, dry, fold, put away. My Technique: Wash and dry successfully. Then create a “clean pile” and a “cleaner pile.” Time Record: Still pending since 2016.

Judge: “Technically completed two-thirds of the event. Very common.”

Event 8: The Email Archaeology Dig (Mental Sport)

The Goal: Find the ONE email you need right now. My Technique: Search the inbox using 14 different keywords, panic, then find it in Promotions next to an email titled “HOT DEALS.” Score: Bronze medal for persistence, gold medal for suffering.

Closing Ceremony: Awarding Medals for Bare Minimum Excellence

In the Adulting Olympics, medals aren’t about perfection. They’re about:

• showing up even when you’re tired,
• keeping your life together with calendar reminders,
• and choosing dinner that requires the least emotional effort.

So if you paid one bill, drank some water, or made a responsible choice like “going to bed at a decent hour,” congratulations: you are an elite athlete in a sport no one asked to join.

Final score: You survived. Gold medal. No notes.